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A Mom

Sometimes I just have to pinch myself when I think at the end of the year, I am going to be somebody's mom. I can't even believe I am old enough to be a mom. But it's true, I am old enough and in fact, I am considered advanced maternal age. If you don't know what that means, it's term applied to any lady 35 and over. For years and years, I used to be scared of having kids. I have never disliked kids, always thought they were cute but I wasn't sure I could take of one. It's a lot of responsibility you know. It's a big job you know, not one to be half assed. I see a lot of parents who probably don't take the word responsibility to heart as much as I do.

For 18 years (and pretty much all their life if you really think about it), someone is going to rely on me, to feed them, cloth them, school them, teach them right from wrongs, and oh yeah, and love them and cherish them. It's a pretty hard gig if you think about it. I kept waiting for years and years for a sign that said I was ready and it really never came. I guess the closest sign came when my gynocologist told me at 34 that I better start thinking about things like I was missing a boat or something. So I started thinking and then I came to the realization that shit, I was getting old!

I am glad I am going to be an older mom but I didn't want to be on a walker when I had kids so I chatted with hubby. One day we decided we would just see what would happen. I wouldn't call it actively trying or anything we just said whatever happens happens. You know what I found, that birth control really works! All of the sudden, I find myself taking prenatal vitamins and badda boom I am pregnant. That was the first time. Unfortunately, life throws you some curveballs and well, that pregnacy didn't last but a few weeks. :(

The one thing I took away from it was that I knew then I wanted to be a mom. I was scared up and though the moment I peed on that first stick. But afterward, like a week later, after the idea had settled in, I had this calm reassurance come over me that let me know I was going to be okay. Then all of the sudden as soon as I knew I would be okay it was all over. The day I went to the hospital for a DnC, was the worst day of my life. I could only take comfort in the fact that I had a hubby who was right there beside me caring for me, getting me through. I knew, in that moment, then that I could be a parent with this man and that we'd be great parents.

Flash forward two months and I found myself peeing on another stick. I didn't even really have to buy the box, as I knew what it would say, but it was pretty amazing that with my endometriosis that I could be pregnant again so soon after tragedy. This time around I didn't get too excited, I was pretty much nervous. Even though the doctors and people tell you miscarriage happens all the time you just can't help as a woman think you had did something wrong to make the baby not grow. This second time around I wasn't sure what kind of moves I could make because I didn't want anything to happen. I didn't want the baby to stop growing. So I waited several weeks before going to the doctor this time for a final confirmation.

This time though I got nasaous and had more symptoms and even though I felt like throwing up I was secretly happy because it was a sign that the "oven" was working. I eventually went and had my first ultrasound and the results were a lot different than the first time. This time, I saw a little beating blob. I immediately bawled my eyes out. I never has such an overwhelming response to a heart beat. But just the same I walked out of the doctors office with my two little pictures with tears running down my face. I called hubby and told him the good news.

Next up was a monthly visit where I heard the heartbeat again. It encouraged me to allow myself a little more excitement. Then I had a sonogram that measured the baby's neck for down syndrome. When you are a lady of advanced maternal age, you read about the higher risks involved once you are a certain age, so of course, I was worried about my growing baby. More tears of joy streamed from my eyes when I saw what had grown into a "baby looking form" on a big tv screen. I saw my baby wave its little arms around and I saw it kind of dancing around the uterus. The pictures on screen gave me more encouragement to hope for the best! That and the tech said my baby was strong. Followed by the doctor saying that once they have established a heartbeat the chance of miscarriage goes down to 5% from 40%. Finally, a second tech, my mother in law's neighbor, read my sonogram pictures said my baby looked very strong, I thought it be okay to tell my friends.

All this encouragement gave me even more hope. Slowly we told people and then more people and now it's pretty much public news. I am past the scary 1st trimester and I still have moments of twinges but at some point you have to let go. I am letting go and hoping for the best. Several mothers have told me the worry part never goes away.

So yes, a baby is coming Dec 22! I still have my moments of worry that are put to rest when my boobs hurt or I am peeing for the 100th time that day but I guess those mothers are right and the worry never does go away. I am just very glad I have been given a second chance because right now in this moment I am looking forward to being someone's mom. Yes, I know I am already a mom to Moses but a mom to a living thing that can talk back to me. I wonder what my child will say first? We will see.

Comments

Toby said…
I am tearing up as I am reading this. You and the Hub are going to be amazing parents. My mom had me when she was in her 40s and look how I turned out.....bad example. let me know if you want some photos to be taken.

TC
Anonymous said…
I agree with Toby...y'all are gonna be outstanding!!

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