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Ugg, I Am At UnEase!

After loosing my gallbladder due to stress at work I decided to not worry about things anymore. Taking the attitude "Whatever happens, happens." It's a pretty good attitude I think and I have been living by it until this current bend in the road. The bend is my work and my work is not stable which didn't bother me until a few months ago. I knew when I was hired it could end at any time so when tough times came my co-workers worried but I didn't. Then things started to look even more grim in May and day in and day out I would listen to people say how the end was imminent and we would all have the summer off. Since it was looking like the end I found myself daydreaming about my summer and all the things I would do with my child. Flash forward to mid-June and I find myself in the weirdest of limbos with my summer vacation starting to wither away and preschool getting nearer and nearer. I feel like time is slipping away. As a result, I find myself completely frustrated because I feel like this void will drag on forever until I do something about it and I hate confrontation. The weird limbo that never quite tips to the side of success nor to the side of demise so I am left bobbing up and down in the middle. Most people would say that I am lucky and I do feel lucky to have a paying job but the workhorse or ego in me feels deflated. Who wants to be a part of something that does nothing? It's frankly just not satisfying. I want to care about what I do. I want it to have meaning. It kind of sucks that I work on things that never see the light of day. I've been in a lot of weird situations at work, mostly pending corporate take-overs or internal take-overs but I have never been in a situation where you are basically always waiting for something to happen so you can do your work. It's always, oh we will know in two weeks, and in two weeks it's another two weeks and then it was this past Thursday and today, on Friday, it's "Oh, it's Monday." My problem is, I have got this great little girl and she is going to go to preschool in the fall and I want to spend time with her. I've always been a working mom, so I don't know what it's like to not have a job because I've been working in some form since I was 13. I do like my work and enjoy what I do but it's pretty weird to work on materials that no one ever gets to see. Maybe it's time to do something else and be someone else? I just need to make up my mind! So yes, that worry has sort of drizzled back into my life and I hate it. The waiting is making me uneasy.

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