Remember that movie JOE VS THE VOLCANO w/ Tom Hanks? The one where his doctors diagnosed him with an incurable brain cloud and thinking he is going to die, he agrees to a crazy scheme by this rich guy who asks Joe to throw himself into a volcano? All so the rich guy can sell some island people some orange soda? Well....I have been feeling exactly like Tom Hanks aka Joseph Banks lately. I try with all my might to stay positive, be nice to people and work hard but lately I don't know why I try so hard?
I know, you are thinking, oh she's depressed but really I am not. Rather I am disappointed by the world and I am disappointed in people. Growing up you are told to have a dream. Work hard and you will get it. But its not true really. You work hard and then you get screwed by the man. Or you work hard and have to screw others to get ahead which I am not willing to do.
Remember the opening scene of the movie where Joe/Tom Hanks is walking into work and everything is dim and you can just tell that this guy's soul has been sucked right out of him? Well...that is exactly how I feel lately, like my soul has been sucked out of me and this empty shell is walking around. I haven't really felt like writing lately and I am not even sure I have my thoughts together for this but I feel the need to tell you people that I am just OVER IT.
Here is why I feel that way. All of the sudden, my allergies that have been dormant for 13 years, have suddenly been turned on. My nose is running, I am sneezing and I have this horrible cough which has lead to a sore chest. I have been taking pills to try to make it go away but I just feel utterly and completely miserable. All the time and every day. People say this is the worst allergy season ever well, I can believe it. I am worried about my cough so I have made a doctors appointment but I can't get in for another 2 weeks. I am worried that I could be dying. And you want to know why?
Because bad things happen. My poor mother-in-law who has battled cancer once seems to have to do it again. That completely sucks! No one knows what causes cancer but to have to do it twice just seems unfair. Meanwhile, my good friend who I hadn't seen in weeks finally calls me and tells me that her good friend is battling cancer and it doesn't look good. I have learned that if I am feeling like shit I should probably go to the doctor who can't get me in so I guess I have to wait around. Meanwhile none of the various pills I have taken make me feel any better.
The next thing is work. Its been stressful so I have been drinking because frankly I need to calm down cuz my chest feels like it will pop out of my body. That's probably not good. I don't want to bore you with details but I feel like I am working in a place that supports chaos, not reason, just chaos. And the sad part to me is that no one cares. I feel like I am in this bad dream watching all these bad moves being played out and I can't do anything about it. I have been dealing with a lot of shit and last week I had this breaking point. I almost quit and told some people to stuff it. But I didn't. The icing on an otherwise horrible situation was when I got yelled at for telling someone in our London office (who had just returned from vacation) "that I hope they had a nice vacation." It was sincerely meant. And this bitch of a person told their boss that I somehow implied that they hadn't done my work fast enough and they got mad and yelled at our big boss, who called another boss who called my boss who then told me. My boss knew it was bullshit and told me not to be personal with them again and not to worry about it. But imagine you are me and after dealing with a ton of shit you get told that a whole bunch of people in London think you are a bitch and you better stop being a bitch.
You know what pissed me off? Is that of all the things that are wrong at my work there was enough time in the day for someone in London to make all of these calls when its very late their time and have my boss talk to me about being personal. Me, the fricken nicest person in the world who would never wish anyone ill will. I almost told them to fuck it. In fact I walked out of the office and told my boss I quit. He worried about me and knew it wasn't true (I think).
There is no loyalty in business anymore. That good, kind decent world that your grandparents and parents grew up in is over! now a days these lazy, good for nothing kids are promoted within one year of graduating and you know what? They don't know shit. Its a ripple effect. All of these people in charge don't know what the fuck they are doing. Therefore, bad decisions are being made. The same really goes with our society. Look around people California can't even balance a budget. Why? Because people are only commodities these days. There is no respect anymore. You could work 5, 10, 15 years for a place and they don't care. They don't care about you, your family, nothing. Basically we are becoming a society of robots. Heaven forbid we be "personal" and actually have forward thinking minds. Oh no. Heaven forbid we try to speak to HR and try and speak up for what's right. If you do you will only be canned. Cuz no one wants to hear a complainer.
Do you have passion? Do you love what you do? Well, don't worry they will take that from you too. Organization and schedules fuck them. The sad part in all of this is that I feel completely helpless and robbed of my dream. There is no point to working harder and more because no one cares about the time you put into something. They only care about getting it done. They don't care if there are mistakes they just want it done and they want it done for cheap. There is no quality anymore. People used to be skilled but companies have merged jobs together so only one person is doing what two used to do and frankly they probably don't know how to do what the other person did.
I am so tired. Tired physically and tired of dreaming. I try to fight and do what is right but why should I when people are ripping everything I do to shreds? I am just a shell.
Anyhoo, that is why I haven't been writing because there is nothing happy to report. Just crap. Oh by the way the world is ending....there is a stupid volcano in Iceland erupting....hey, maybe if I go throw myself in it I will cure my brain cloud and the world will be safe once again to enjoy orange soda. But somehow I doubt it.
I know, you are thinking, oh she's depressed but really I am not. Rather I am disappointed by the world and I am disappointed in people. Growing up you are told to have a dream. Work hard and you will get it. But its not true really. You work hard and then you get screwed by the man. Or you work hard and have to screw others to get ahead which I am not willing to do.
Remember the opening scene of the movie where Joe/Tom Hanks is walking into work and everything is dim and you can just tell that this guy's soul has been sucked right out of him? Well...that is exactly how I feel lately, like my soul has been sucked out of me and this empty shell is walking around. I haven't really felt like writing lately and I am not even sure I have my thoughts together for this but I feel the need to tell you people that I am just OVER IT.
Here is why I feel that way. All of the sudden, my allergies that have been dormant for 13 years, have suddenly been turned on. My nose is running, I am sneezing and I have this horrible cough which has lead to a sore chest. I have been taking pills to try to make it go away but I just feel utterly and completely miserable. All the time and every day. People say this is the worst allergy season ever well, I can believe it. I am worried about my cough so I have made a doctors appointment but I can't get in for another 2 weeks. I am worried that I could be dying. And you want to know why?
Because bad things happen. My poor mother-in-law who has battled cancer once seems to have to do it again. That completely sucks! No one knows what causes cancer but to have to do it twice just seems unfair. Meanwhile, my good friend who I hadn't seen in weeks finally calls me and tells me that her good friend is battling cancer and it doesn't look good. I have learned that if I am feeling like shit I should probably go to the doctor who can't get me in so I guess I have to wait around. Meanwhile none of the various pills I have taken make me feel any better.
The next thing is work. Its been stressful so I have been drinking because frankly I need to calm down cuz my chest feels like it will pop out of my body. That's probably not good. I don't want to bore you with details but I feel like I am working in a place that supports chaos, not reason, just chaos. And the sad part to me is that no one cares. I feel like I am in this bad dream watching all these bad moves being played out and I can't do anything about it. I have been dealing with a lot of shit and last week I had this breaking point. I almost quit and told some people to stuff it. But I didn't. The icing on an otherwise horrible situation was when I got yelled at for telling someone in our London office (who had just returned from vacation) "that I hope they had a nice vacation." It was sincerely meant. And this bitch of a person told their boss that I somehow implied that they hadn't done my work fast enough and they got mad and yelled at our big boss, who called another boss who called my boss who then told me. My boss knew it was bullshit and told me not to be personal with them again and not to worry about it. But imagine you are me and after dealing with a ton of shit you get told that a whole bunch of people in London think you are a bitch and you better stop being a bitch.
You know what pissed me off? Is that of all the things that are wrong at my work there was enough time in the day for someone in London to make all of these calls when its very late their time and have my boss talk to me about being personal. Me, the fricken nicest person in the world who would never wish anyone ill will. I almost told them to fuck it. In fact I walked out of the office and told my boss I quit. He worried about me and knew it wasn't true (I think).
There is no loyalty in business anymore. That good, kind decent world that your grandparents and parents grew up in is over! now a days these lazy, good for nothing kids are promoted within one year of graduating and you know what? They don't know shit. Its a ripple effect. All of these people in charge don't know what the fuck they are doing. Therefore, bad decisions are being made. The same really goes with our society. Look around people California can't even balance a budget. Why? Because people are only commodities these days. There is no respect anymore. You could work 5, 10, 15 years for a place and they don't care. They don't care about you, your family, nothing. Basically we are becoming a society of robots. Heaven forbid we be "personal" and actually have forward thinking minds. Oh no. Heaven forbid we try to speak to HR and try and speak up for what's right. If you do you will only be canned. Cuz no one wants to hear a complainer.
Do you have passion? Do you love what you do? Well, don't worry they will take that from you too. Organization and schedules fuck them. The sad part in all of this is that I feel completely helpless and robbed of my dream. There is no point to working harder and more because no one cares about the time you put into something. They only care about getting it done. They don't care if there are mistakes they just want it done and they want it done for cheap. There is no quality anymore. People used to be skilled but companies have merged jobs together so only one person is doing what two used to do and frankly they probably don't know how to do what the other person did.
I am so tired. Tired physically and tired of dreaming. I try to fight and do what is right but why should I when people are ripping everything I do to shreds? I am just a shell.
Anyhoo, that is why I haven't been writing because there is nothing happy to report. Just crap. Oh by the way the world is ending....there is a stupid volcano in Iceland erupting....hey, maybe if I go throw myself in it I will cure my brain cloud and the world will be safe once again to enjoy orange soda. But somehow I doubt it.
Comments
I'm sure people reading this blog know exactly how you are feeling and know that you are not alone.
Take a look out your front window and if you can still see the cemetery think how good you have it that you're not there.
keep your chin up